Honesty & Faith

If we can be honest here, I would tell you that I have wanted to write about this for a long time, but have been nervous to do so. This subject is something that I tucked away.  Problem solved and so I put it away kind of attitude.

Last Sunday at church we talked about peoples jobs and how we should glorify God in every job that he has given us.  Be it CEO of a company, police man, student, retiree, and stay at home moms.   And it reminded me of how 10 months ago, I stopped glorifing him in being a Radiation Therapist and started dwelling on my desire to be a stay at home mom.

 Last year was one of the hardest and happiest years for me.  The birth of my healthy daughter Lachlyn was of course one of the top best moments of my life.  She alone was a answer to many of my prayers.  She was healthy and happy.  Something that many people don't experience.  I truly felt so blessed for all that God had given me and how he entrusted me with such an amazing family.  I thank him everyday for my loving husband and my perfect children.  However, after Lachlyn was born, I dreaded going back to work so much that I fell into depression.  Everyone around me kept telling me that I was lucky that I had a job, healthy children, and that I should focus on what God has given me.  And well looking back they were right.  If I would have put him first instead of my own wants, I would not have slipped into this depression in the first place.  But I did, and it felt like it was slowly killing me. 

There was something in me that just wasn't setting right.  I blamed it on my hormones being out of whack or that my job made me cry almost everyday because I simply didn't want to be there anymore.  The truth is I wanted to be with my babies.  And to this day I feel that God put that desire in me.   It was so strong even in prayer that it had to be him.  I have learned that just because we should glorify him in all that we do, it doesn't mean that we can't strive for something better.  And I was striving for more time with my kids. 

I remember praying multiple time everyday for about 6 months for KC to get a job.  And that he would be happy in it and that it would also pay enough for me to be able to stay home. And let me tell you 6 months is a long time to wait with a growing infant. Every day I felt like I was missing something that he had given me to see. I was angry at our situation. I started getting jealous of my husbands role. I cried almost every night. I'm not saying these things to get sympathy, but to explain how faith has changed my life. I was trying to trust in God but I constantly struggle with this because I have very controlling tendencies.     

I was also scared about what I was asking for. I wanted it but I wasn't sure if I could do it. I was extremely nervous about being a stay at home mom.  I was worried I would miss my patients (and I do, everyday). I was worried that I couldn't handle my kids. Since Rhone was born, KC has been in school, which was a amazing blessing, because he was able to be home more with him. He took and picked him up from day care everyday. Some days he was only at school for a couple hours, so he was able to the everyday errands and he took Rhone everywhere. When Lachlyn came, he dove right into the same commitment. He took both out and about, something that I was always too scared to do by myself. He fixed both of their breakfast, got them dressed, played, scheduled their naps and feedings with my schedule, errands, bills, house stuff, yard stuff, and on top of that got his ridiculously hard degree in Physics/Math. Oh and he was applying to over 100 jobs all over the west coast. Needless to say, he did it all. And he was good at it. He definitely deserved some kind of daddy award. So to switch roles was a huge thing for me. I didn't want to let him down, I didn't want to let my kids down. I'm about 3 months into this whole thing, and I can honestly say that both KC and I are thriving in our new roles. KC seems so much happier and confident in his new career, and I know he is loving the independence he gets at work. I also see the joy in his eyes when he comes home to 3 people who are ecstatic to see him. I have never been happier. Our marriage has never been better. I love being able to see my 2 kiddos grow each day and I love being the one to make breakfast, change the diapers, calm the fights, and everything else in between. Throw in a new city which I am loving, cleaner air, no allergies, no asthma problems, a second car and well God answers prayers. God has shown me that trust, faith, and prayer really is what he wants from me.

I put up positive posts and it may seem to many that life here is perfect now.  But it's not.  I still struggle with faith.  Money is a huge subject that stresses me out.  I feel guilty now for not contributing financially when we need it so badly.  But then I think back to this wonderful miracle that God has given us, and I know that he will work all that stuff out.  Because this is what I am supposed to be doing in my life right now.  It is what God wants for our family.

I have the word 'faith' tattoo'd on my wrist in white ink as a suddle reminder, but maybe I should get it redone in hot pink to shout it out to me. (j/k mom)  I just need to remember that when faith is acted on it takes all our burdens away.  It provides a feeling of relief that nothing else can give.  It frees you.  It comforts you.  God's plan for my our life is exactly what I need and desire.  I give him all the glory for everything in my life and I have been so blessed.

On a lighter note... God must have read my last post cause this week has been sooo amazing.  High 60's and not a cloud in the sky.  We have taken full advantage and have been outdoors every second of it. (hence the pictures above)  I actually got a little sunburned today, which feels so good.  Not because I desperately needed a little color on me, but because now I know the sun here works. (That Chicago sun... you could sit under it for weeks and nothing...)  Getting excited for summer.  Beach, swim lessons, flowers, camping, hiking, digging, kayaking, and hopefully friends and family.